Today I feel a bit like Peter. “If it’s you, Lord, tell me to come to you on the water.”
And I step out, eager to enter the next phase of the dance with Jesus. I write the email. Press send.
And see the wind. And panic.
“Lord, save me!”
How do I so easily lose faith? Why do I have so little to begin with?
I tell God I don’t want to be like Moses with his “Here I am, but. . . “ and list of excuses so long that it tried even the patient God’s patience (Exodus 3-4). I want to be like Samuel, Isaiah, Mary, with their unqualified “Here I am.”
But my faith is so small.
And as I pour out my fear and cry for help I receive this grace.
“There has never been another prophet in Israel like Moses, whom the LORD knew face to face. The LORD sent him to perform all the miraculous signs and wonders in the land of Egypt against Pharaoh, and all his servants, and his entire land. With mighty power, Moses performed terrifying acts in the sight of all Israel.” (Deuteronomy 34:10-12)
Truly, this is grace, that the life of one who responded first to the call with deep fear and insecurity could, in the end, be summarized this way.
I still don’t want my “Here I am” to be qualified with a list of excuses. But when my faith is small, what a precious gift to know that grace encompasses my weaknesses and still desires to know me face to face!
And this is grace too, that God doesn’t even want me to be another Samuel or Isaiah or Mary. He has made me different, with different strengths and different struggles. All He wants is for me to be fully myself, wholly engaged in the unique dance of love and life with Him into which He continues to call me.